I know I've said all of those phrases and more, and this is something I am working on removing from my vocabulary, because to me, the phrasing connotes a relationship that is somehow less than others (like partners, spouses, and intimates).?
I'm here to suggest something to you - and to remind myself of it too - Friendship can be one of the deepest, most meaningful commitments you and I can make to another. ?
Friend is a very VERY big word.
My grandmother used to tell me that I would be one of the luckiest people in the world if I could count my true friends on just one hand, and I believe her words to be true. In my world view, a Friend is someone with whom I share mutual love and?respect?and whose personhood I cherish so much, the exterior construct of our relationship is secondary our commitment to Knowing?each other. ?These are relationships in which there is a give and take of support offered and accepted in many forms (time, resources, holding space, moving, etc.). ?
Not all platonic relationships are friendships in my perspective. ?I mean, I'm platonic with my biological family, and I would call 3 of the 7 of them my Friends. I would also suggest that romantic love and friendship can co-mingle beautifully and successfully. ?Of the couples I know who have been together over 40 years, all have talked with me about the quality of their friendship having a great deal to do with the success of their marriages. ?
For me, Friendship is the deepest commitment I make, because it comes with the promise that, no matter how our relationship is structured (lovers, D/s, co-workers, collaborators,etc.) I will show up for you again and again. ?I will hold a mirror for you and ask for the same. ?I will be inconvenienced for you - and not ask for payback or hold a grudge. ?I will do my?damnedest?to see you as the YOU who you are and not the you who I wish you to be.
Am I friends with my romantic partners? This is something for which I strive, and it is the thing that has empowered me to transform romantic relationships into platonic relationships with minimal 'collateral damage', so yes. I would say that I hold an intention towards friendship in romance. ?
Having recently moved to Seattle, my primary need in relationship is Friends. I also need and want romance and sex and M/s and play and?camaraderie, of course. The person I moved here to be near is a Friend of over 20 years (also my Sister)... ? That's the relationship that was so strong I left the East Coast. ?
Here are some questions about friends to get some thoughts rolling - these are the kinds of questions I ask myself about people I am considering calling Friends.....
- Who in your life is safe enough for you to be around when you're at the bottom of your barrel - when your life is blowing up - when you look like crap, have bad breath, and are wearing ill-fitting clothing?
- Who in your life saw something you posted on a social network and reached out to you to lend a hand (even and especially if you didn't ask for it)??
- Who in your life can you call for 'sanity checks' if someone?criticizes?your behavior or calls into question parts of your character?and will tell you the truth as they see it - even if it's not what you want to hear?
- To whom do you listen?
- Who in your life is truly happy for your successes and not?threatened?by your brilliance, your beauty, or your talents?
- Who challenges you to be bigger and better day by day?
- Who asks you how you're doing and sincerely wants?to know the answer?
- Who can you not see for a year or more, and with whom you can get into a room, and it's like no time has passed?
- Who doesn't really care how famous you are (or are not)?
- With whom can you cry?
- Who trusts you with their car keys? House keys? Pets??
- Who are the people around whom your heart sings?
- Whom do you Trust?
- Who would show up for your intervention?
- Who knows you?
- With whom can you disagree and not have that threaten the foundation of your relationship?
You can turn all of these around as well - to see the people in your life towards whom you are offering friendship.
If your relationships aren't fulfilling, perhaps you could change how you are in them? ?Try it - you might surprise yourself.
I recall a woman who was about to marry a male friend of mine freaking out in my specific direction about my relationship with her?fianc?'. ?I mean - she was really upset about it. ?She knew that he and I had a platonic relationship - that we had no intention of broadening the context of that to anything sexual or romantic, and yet she was so unbearably?threatened?by our friendship, it was causing strife and conflict.
I asked her one day why?she was so afraid of my friendship with him, and her response (paraphrased) was "It's possible that Bob and I won't be married forever, and yet I know that you and he will be together until one of you dies". I didn't really have a response to that, because it was true. ?Instead, she and I had a conversation about friendship - and it came up in the conversation that she could be his spouse/lover as well as his friend.?Even with their divorce, they were and remain close friends to this day (my timeline with him goes back 30 years - their timeline is about 25 years long). ?My big bonus from that shift was that she and I became friends as well. ? So the next time you and I use minimizing language like "just friends" for such powerful and empowering relationship contexts, maybe we could stop a moment and consider the power of our words. ?Just some food for thought on a grey Wednesday afternoon in my perch in Seattle.
Namaste,
Bendy
Source: http://bendyogagirl.blogspot.com/2012/12/just-friends.html
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